Kathleen Kelley Reardon

As you may have read in yesterday’s post on choice points, each comment or expression we make influences the options of people with whom we’re communicating.  If we say, “How are you?” to someone and keep walking, she knows that we really don’t want an answer.  The question is merely a greeting.  If, however, we say the same thing and stop to look at the person, she then knows an answer is being invited.  In this way we limit or expand the options of other people.  They do the same to us.

It’s important to know what messages you’re conveying.  I meet women who take on too many tasks whether at work or at home.  They expect people will appreciate their efforts and sometimes they do.  But, being always available to do what most other people won’t sends unintended messages too.  It may say that your time isn’t valuable.  And, it tells people that if they have an undesirable task to be done, they can ask you to do it and you will. Continue reading →

There are times when conflict is nearly inevitable.  This is when choice points in an interaction are particularly critical.  Imagine a simple situation like this.  Someone says to you:

“You always have to have the last word?”

A natural reaction would be, “Look who’s talking” or “It takes one to know one.” Both of these use a choice point to escalate conflict rather than reduce it.  If you know this isn’t a completely accurate description of you, why not use your choice point to inject some humor.  “And your point is?” might just do that.

The beauty of this comeback, if executed well, is that the other person’s choices are then limited.  Of course he can persist with insulting you, but if your humorous comeback surprises and amuses him, that choice is unlikely.

He could say, “You know what I mean.  You don’t know when to shut up.”

You’re at a choice point again and you now know that this person didn’t accidentally offend you.  The intension was to insult.  And he isn’t going to let up easily. Continue reading →

Three short stories make the point in this post:  When they tell you “There’s No Way,” they’re usually wrong.

This week I contacted an airline miles program.  We’d received a warning letter that our miles would soon expire.  The man who answered the phone gave me his name and asked how he could help.  Fine, to this point.  Although I should point out that his voice had an edge to it and an ever so slight hint of him having done this thousands of times. It wasn’t excessive, so I continued explaining that I needed a pin to go online, purchase an item and save my family’s miles.  The trouble, he informed me, “You are not in our system.”  I’d opened the account, so  surely I must be there.  “If you haven’t used our airline in the last two years,” he explained, again as if he’d said it thousands of times, “you lose your miles.”  “But I’m sitting in front of a letter that gives us several more days.”  He paused then said, “I’ll look again.”

Well, you get the picture.  I was nowhere to be found.  Therefore, I could not get a pin, could not order an item and so could not save my nearly 19,000 miles.  He looked up other family members and told me that my husband had flown their airline in 2007, but not me.  That sounded fishy.  I remember being with him on that trip.  “We have no record of that.”  That, it seemed, was the end of it.

This is what we describe in Comebacks as a choice point. Continue reading →