The Impact of Technology on Teens’ Self Images

Posted on November 15, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Several posts back we were discussing whether using technology to communicate influences, for better or worse, our ability to think on our feet in face-to-face situations.

Today I read an article that broadens that concern to whether the personas young people develop online has an impact on how they communicate.  The article pertains to teenage girls, but we might reasonably suspect that the effects are longer term than just adolescence.

If you have a teenage daughter, you may be familiar with the 1,000 friends and hundreds if not over 1,000 photos posted on social media.  Research indicates that most of this is to show how much fun, appealing and sexy they are as little is usually posted about their intelligence and accomplishments.  This is particularly unsettling compared to most adults:

“What’s also different, researchers say, is that teens tend to view their social-media profile as a brand they’re creating out of this amalgam of photos and posts. That online persona becomes part of their identity and, for better or for worse, could have an impact on how they see themselves in real life.”

In short, as psychologist Daryl Bem wrote many years ago, what we see ourselves doing influences who we think we are.  As girls rationalize what they write about themselves on social media, they formulate attitudes about themselves consistent with the behaviors they’ve been exhibiting online. Continue reading →

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More on Subtle Mentors and Not Being Predictable

Posted on November 14, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Over at Huffpo “ohmercy” replied to my blog by suggesting that perhaps the president should wear a WWHD bracelet — What Would Hillary do?”  I’m sure that didn’t please some people, but there is a good suggestion in there.  I responded in this way:

“You know, in a way there’s something here. If we put aside some actual decisions with which me might be discontent and also accept the premise for a moment that the president is new to vicious politics, one of the best ways to learn how to deal in pathological political arenas is to observe how those who thrive do so. As a young professor somewhat on the political purist side, I quickly learned that politics in academia is like any other workplace where competition is constant. Fortunately, mentors, male and female, stepped forward to offer suggestions. I began to observe how they handled tough situations. I’d ask myself, “How would WB handle this?” At home my husband would sometimes ask: “So, how would WB handle this?” Continue reading →

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A Look At Two Comeback Types On The R-List

Posted on November 13, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

For those who are often stumped when a comeback is needed, we developed the R-List. It’s ten ways of responding to people who put you on the spot.  Each begins with an “R” which helps remember them.  The list isn’t exhaustive.  There are comeback types that don’t start with an “R,” but this is a good way to get warmed up or to begin improving right away.   Let’s look at a two of them:

(1) Rephrase:  say what was said in a different way that’s better for you.  “I’m going to say that in a somewhat different way” is one possible comeback.  There are also more subtle ways to rephrase.  If someone remarks, for example, that what you just proposed is ridiculous, you might say, “It’s a bit unusual, I’ll grant you that.”  Here, you’re taking what could be received as an insult and rephrasing so that there’s no need to do so. Continue reading →

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Got a Little Testy Today

Posted on November 12, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

I got a little testy today over at Huffington Post with the blog, “Could This Be ‘Learning On The Job’?”  But the president doesn’t seem to have a repertoire of comebacks for the kinds of bullies he deals with in Washington.

He likes the eloquent statesman approach.  I like it too.  Who doesn’t?  But it has its time and place.  And the battle over tax cuts is not the time or place to be predictably a pushover.

I suppose I should remember that his field isn’t communication. But wait, he was a debater.  There are times in debate when the utmost in civility is simply the wrong path to take.  Sure, you don’t lower yourself to the level of people like Rush Limbaugh, but there’s a large range between that and where the president is in his communication.

What else could he say?  Here are a few disclaimers he could lead with if direct comebacks are not his style:

“I have learned that being overly polite to people with microphones who don’t have the best interests of this country at heart is not productive.”

“There are people who shout merely to be heard.  I shout when it matters to people who can’t be heard unless I do.”

“There are always at least two sides to every story.  But they aren’t always equally accurate.”

These are a start.  Then he could lead into some pretty firm talking.  It would be a breath of fresh air.  He’d respect himself more for it.  Try it yourself at work.  It’s better than letting people walk all over you.  That’s for sure.

Comebacks at Work:  Using Conversation to Master Confrontation here

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If The President “Caves” on Tax Cuts

Posted on November 11, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Rather than look at this from one or another political vantage point, let’s just look at the subject as  ones like it are discussed in Comebacks at Work.  To understand people and how to respond to them, it’s important to “pulse the person.”  This mean watching for patterns.  This rule is critical in determining how to respond.  And here is one rule of thumb:

If an otherwise rational person keeps doing something over and over despite seeing that it doesn’t work, what does that mean?  It usually means they’re doing exactly what they want to do, and that their primary goal isn’t the stated one. Continue reading →

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More on The Perils of Compromise

Posted on November 10, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Compromise is discussed in my blog on Huffpo today.  The comments people are posting ins response are quite interesting and worth reading.  It’s a good discussion and one we need to have.

The word “compromise” is being bandied about Washington as if it’s a solution rather than a methodology.  It’s not a goal, but one means of achieving goals.  Yet, we keep hearing that reaching across the aisle is the way to get things done — at least from the Obama team.

Is it because they haven’t thought through the disadvantages of responding to Republican challenges with a compromise comeback?  Or could it be that they actually believe that compromise is the best means for dealing with opposition?  Is there not yet enough evidence to convince the Democrats that compromise, especially as an opener, is not going to be welcomed by Republicans?  And have they not considered the advantage of laying out what principles and positions they are unwilling to submit to compromise, and which ones they are?

In Comebacks at Work we wrote about the types of situations where extending an olive branch works — where giving the other side the opportunity to do the right thing is the best option for all involved.  After all, we do communicate quickly most of the time and we say things before we’ve had a chance to filter.  So, it’s useful to give people a chance to rethink what they’ve proposed. But when a particular type of communication, like bullying, occurs repeatedly, it’s time to recognize that the behavior is purposeful and not about to change with the offer of a handshake. Continue reading →

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Obama On Sixty Minutes: Giving Ground All The Way

Posted on November 8, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

In my blog featured at Huffpo today, Waiting for Obama,  I expressed significant concerns about his communication on “60 Minutes” Sunday.  If we were to map out the president’s responses in terms of what communication experts call one-up and one-down moves, Obama’s answers would largely be one-down moves.  He rarely challenged and even accepted Steve Crofts descriptions, such as the president seeming “aloof”.

If we look at our communication and find  that what we say in response to someone is largely of a particular type, then we are in a pattern and that’s usually problematic. Partly because people can manage others who make themselves predictable. Continue reading →

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Is There Any Such Thing as a Comeback Natural?

Posted on November 5, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

November 4, 2010

Today on Brainstormin’ with Bill — Billy “The Brain” Frank’s show on KKZZ radio out of Ventura, California — we talked about whether some people are comeback “naturals.”

It does seem that way when you meet people who have a good response for just about anything said to them.   And it is true that people can be inclined to excel in specific areas.  If you’re brought up playing tennis, you’re bound to be better at it than most people who didn’t have that advantage.  The same is true of comebacks.  If you grew up in a family where what to say in response to difficult situations was talked about at the dinner table, for example, and praise was given to those who came up with impressive comebacks, then you likely derived a comeback advantage.  But having an advantage and developing the skill are two very different things.  The latter requires frequent experimentation.

Anyone can develop a comeback repertoire and skill at applying those comebacks.  But to want to do this you have to recognize that to do otherwise is to abdicate the 75% responsibility you have for managing your communication each day.  Communication is a lot like chess.   Every move one player makes limits or expands the options of the other.  If you keep walking as you say to a friend, “Hey, how are you?”
his options are limited to a quick response like “Fine.”  If, on the other hand, you stop and look into his eyes when you ask, thereby showing concern, you broaden his choices to tell you more about how he truly is doing.  In this sense, each of us is at least 75% responsible for how people respond to us.  We can learn to influence their options.

To become skilled at comebacks, we need to learn effective responses from observing others who are skilled and practice using them.  We need to fail at times and yet try again.   With time, we become better able to respond quickly and well to whatever others have to say to us.

There is no such thing as a comeback natural.   There are those of us who put the time and effort into our communication and those of us who don’t.   There are those of us who think “telling it like it is” means we’re somehow better communicators than those who filter before responding.  Such assumptions get in the way of improving.

Agile communicators have learned to be so because they observe how others around them turn bad situations into better or even good ones. It’s never too late to start doing that.

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Joseph Cooper Show, NPR Radio, South Florida

Posted on November 4, 2010 by admin

COMEBACK TIP

Today’s interview with Joseph Cooper raised some really good comeback questions. For example, what do you say to a micromanager boss driving your crazy?

Instead of a comeback that he or she might take personally, why not focus on style differences? For example:

“You and I have somewhat different styles but the same goal. I like to be more free-wheeling and you like to make sure things are done right each step along the way. What do you say about meeting in the middle?”

The advantage here is that the focus is on style rather than personality. Also, you’ve mentioned up front that you and your boss have the larger goal in common. So, you’re not just talking about differences. That’s a good backdrop for describing how you might meet each other part way.

Of course, if you wait too long to deal with an issue like this, you could be so exasperated that it will show in your facial expression or tone. It’s usually better to deal with such frustrations early on.

We also talked today about separating offense from insult. The two are different. Offense is more accidental, such as choosing the wrong words or not thinking something through before saying it. Insult is intended to put you down. Often, unless you inquire by saying something like, “Did you mean to say what I thought I heard?” insult can be assumed when offense is what occurred. If we go around reacting to accidental offense with insult comebacks, things aren’t going to go well in a lot of relationships at home and at work.

Comebacks at Work:  Using Conversation to Master Confrontation

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Is Texting/Technology Making Us Less Able to Respond On Our Feet?

Posted on November 3, 2010 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Yesterday a reporter asked a question I get often now: Is dependence on social technology hurting how people communicate at work and elsewhere? Are we less agile than before, less attentive to nonverbal cues because, frankly, we’re getting out of practice.  So many messages, including ones where two people break off a relationship, are being sent by e-mail or text.

Communication happens all day and quickly, so we think it’s like riding a bicycle — anyone can do it. But most of us don’t have anywhere near the cycling skill of Lance Armstrong.  Similarly, there’s a lot to learn everyday in communication even if you’re not aiming for the Lance level.

Each interaction — all day long — presents a somewhat unique combination of verbal and nonverbal components.  So, we have to stay attentive.  We need to experiment and develop a repertoire of responses we can call upon when taken aback.  Attentiveness and experimentation have been stifled by our increasing reliance on e-mail, texts, and other forms of social networking. Our communication is becoming more and more one track and worse — knee jerk.

So what do you do during that job interview when the interviewer throws you a curve ball?  I remember when someone interviewing me said, “You know, your problem is that you don’t speak Greek.”  What do you say to that?  I replied:  “That’s true but I’ve read Aristotle’s Rhetoric and Poetics and I can go a few rounds about his writings if you like.”  He looked surprised and I got the job offer.  I didn’t take it.  But it was nice to have.

Most of us have had experiences where in a job interview or on-the-job someone has thrown out a comment that was totally unexpected.  In situations like this, you have to be able to read the person’s facial expression and/or body language to get to sense of the situation, to “pulse the person” and “suss the situation” as we wrote about it in Comebacks at Work.  If you’ve been spending most of your time e-mailing and texting, you’re not going to be able to respond on your feet. Continue reading →

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