Leadership Tutorial IV: For Women Power and Politics Are Crucial

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

The prevalent debate over the plight of women in the workplace focuses on whether organizations or women themselves are to blame.  Why aren’t women further along in terms of representation at the top of organizations and government?  What’s the hold up?  Having put in my time, coached and consulted,  my view is that any either-or approach to the problem is too simplistic.  Moreover, no amount of telling companies they’re missing out if they don’t promote women to senior management is going to change things.  Sure, some senior executives will reach out to women, but not enough to make a big difference.

So what’s the answer?  It’s a complex one because the way women are raised in most cultures, including the U.S., discourages their recognition and management of power and politics.  And yet these are at the heart of success.

I’ve written about this in both The Secret Handshake and It’s All Politics.  Why?  Because it became quite clear to me years ago that knowing how to communicate, persuade and negotiate are critical to success in almost every career.  But without an understanding of how politics and power function within organizations as well as competence in managing both, the likelihood of women advancing in male-dominated organizations is low.  And it’s going to stay that way.

You have to know how to read between the lines — to know when what is said is not what is meant.  It’s important to recognize that more important than what people say leads to promotions is what actually does.  There are four primary types of political arenas in organizations:  minimally, moderately, highly and pathologically political.  If you’re a political purist who believes firmly that competence is what makes the difference in advancement, you’d better be working in a minimally or moderately political division or company.  If you’re a purist and you’re working in a highly or pathologically political arena, getting to the top is likely not going to happen.  You need to be a street fighter.

What I’m advocating here is that more women need to become savvy with regard to the political cultures in which they work.  Certainly men need to do this too.  If, however, the organization is run largely by men, then how to get ahead is easier to learn for men.  After all, the people running the show are like you.  Modeling their behavior is easier.  It’s not a cinch or everyone would be in line for CEO, but there’s much to be said for not having to cross the gender divide to follow in the footsteps of the higher-ups.

I’ve written about this subject at length, so I’ll just say this for now.  For many women power is an uncomfortable concept.  For most men I’ve met it isn’t.  Politics is not much different.  Too often women, as I once did, think that promotions should be fair.  The fact is that they often aren’t.  Fair has little to do with work.  As one CEO explained, “It must look as if it’s fair.”  But looking fair and being fair are very different.

If you want to get ahead, you need to find out what matters and make sure what you do facilitates the accomplishment of that goal.  Furthermore, the link between your work and the goal needs to be made evident.  Connections with people who make promotion decisions are crucial.  Make sure that your work passes the VCR test:  visible, central and relevant — that you’re not spinning your wheels on work that is not valued.

These are just a few considerations with regard to power and politics.  There are the day-to-day interactions to consider as well.  In Comebacks at Work, Chris Noblet and I wrote about what to say in difficult situations.  How you get yourself out of a corner is valued in most organizations. What you say at critical choice points is remembered.  And learning what it means to lead is as well.

If you want to get ahead, start learning how power is used where you work.  Observe whether your political style fits the political arena or whether you need to become more savvy.  Pay attention to who gets ahead and how.  And if you are not suited to the place where you work and the top is your desired destination, start looking around.  For men and women success is a matter of fit.  If you don’t fit, learn how to change that or find a place where what defines who you are is valued.  No amount of climbing a ladder in a place that doesn’t suit you is going to get you to the top.  Find out how they define power, what constitutes leadership and how they manage politics.  Be observant.  And learn from those who’ve gotten where you want to go.

 

 

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Leadership Tutorial III (for women): When to Share Your Emotions at Work

Posted on April 17, 2013 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Wearing our hearts on our sleeves at work is almost always a risk.  It can be a risk worth taking. After all, attribution research about how people formulate impressions tells us that people often like others who make mistakes and demonstrate that they aren’t perfect.  It causes us to relax at bit — to feel somewhat closer to such people because they are more like us.  That’s one interpretation of a body of work that deserves a longer explanation.  But it will suffice for this discussion.

In Lean In, Cheryl Sandberg spends a chapter on the blurring of lines between the personal and professional.  She shares several experiences where being honest about personal feelings proved to be better than hiding them.  Let me be frank.  I can tell a few stories like that as well.  But sharing emotional reasons for our choices becomes more risky with time.  When you’re “cute-and-little,” people want to help.  And many of Sandberg’s stories are from her “cute-and-little” era when, as she mentions, you remind people of their daughters.

It’s useful to keep in mind that she was at the top of her game early on.  If you are one of the far more numerous women working your way up through the organizational hierarchy, there’s a lot more competition all along the way looking for your weaknesses.

Does this mean never show emotion?  Not at all.  I walked out of a meeting after being insulted by a more senior person.  He just blurted out an insult.  I waited a few minutes, and then slowly packed up and left.  You had to be there.  I had a rule against walking out of any meeting.  But he’d gone too far.  I was upset and staying and steaming was just out of the question.  He asked for the meeting to be delayed and followed me offering apologies until we reached my office.  I stood before him and said, “If something about me bothers you that much, I suggest you tell me privately.”  He said, “You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.  I don’t know what got into me.”  I walked into my office.

Later,  some of my colleagues told him he’d been WAY out of line.  Had he not been, I would not have left.  As I’ve mentioned, I’m a former debater and I rarely walk away from a conflict.  When humor will do the trick or a response that refers to the other person’s anger as a “shared passion for the issue,” I’m there.  But when someone goes too far, silence can be interpreted as assent. Leaving slowly, without tears or insult, has its risks.  But it is occasionally the only way to let someone know he or she has gone way too far.  You can always return to the meeting.  It buys you some time. When in doubt, leave your pad and pen.

More typical are those times when emotions are running high for personal reasons.  People around you may be able to tell that things aren’t right.  What if you’re worried about one of your children?  Or perhaps your pet is about to have surgery.  I was surprised one time to learn how many people can relate to that worry.  Or you might be having some medical tests about which you’re concerned.  Should you tell people?  A rule of thumb:  Do so sparingly.  The sympathy you get today can turn into memories of how unsettled you become over little things.  That can easily put a woman out of contention for leadership positions.

The culture of your division and company matter.  Do most people share a lot?  If so, you need to share sometimes too.  But don’t think for a minute that sharing by others means that you won’t pay for doing so yourself.  Choose carefully those people with whom you share personal feelings.  Think beyond today.  If you decide to share, consider with whom and how much.  A hint of the burden you’re carrying may be sufficient for you to feel some relief.  It certainly may be enough for others to understand and even be helpful.

Emotions are a sticky wicket for women.  As with most communication, it’s important to become proficient at sharing them before you do too much of it.  That may seem odd.  Becoming proficient at sharing emotions seems a contradiction.  It isn’t.  Not at work.  If you’re going to share, be sure you know how to do so without drenching the carpet with so many tears you find yourself mopping them up for years to come.

 

 

 

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Leadership Tutorial II (for women): To Be Nice or Not To Be

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Last night I was reading chapter 3 of Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg.  Like prior chapters, there’s good information within it.  Much of it has been known for some time, but Sandberg has a way of communicating her ideas conversationally.  She applies the concepts to today.  Her examples are useful.  And she’s done her homework in terms of research support with some need for opposing views.

Having said that, this chapter has a few suggestions that invite alternative or additional perspectives — a little acquired wisdom.

After you’ve read this book for a while, it’s clear that Sandberg is still dealing with the contradictions inherent in being a career-successful woman.  I add career to success because there are many forms of success.  And to her credit, Sandberg agrees.  She also seems to still be grappling in chapter 3 with the issue of taking credit for one’s accomplishments.  After explaining that women often don’t “toot their own horns,” she wrote:  “Owning one’s success is key to achieving more success.  Professional advancement depends upon people believing that an employee is contributing to good results.”  Absolutely!  Good observation.  Women need to believe in themselves and own their successes.  And to savor them as well.

Sandberg then wrote, “For women, taking credit comes at a real social and professional cost.” People expect women to be communal in their approach — to do things for the greater good. Even a raise, it’s implied, should be framed as for the good of others.

Society has shaped men and women differently.  Expectations are different with regard to how we present ideas.  My navigational advice to my husband used to be, “I think this is the exit” when I KNEW it was the exit.  Why was I saying “I think” as he went driving by where we clearly needed to go?  I’d been taught to say things more as suggestion than direction.  I now say, THIS IS THE EXIT!

In the same vein, women use more disclaimers (“This is nothing big”) and aligning actions (e.g., “I hope this doesn’t upset anyone” or “This may sound stupid, but…”).  We do.  The better approach is applying these sparingly.  Don’t demean what you have to say as it comes out of your mouth.

If you must say something in way of introduction, consider, “Here is my view given what I’ve learned so far” or “Hear me out on this one.  It’s an idea in progress.”  Such statements soften but don’t apologize.  They are used by men and women.  And no one should use them too often. Sometimes “I see your point, but I have a different view” is fine.  Or, simply, “Let’s look at this another way.”

Here is where my view deviates from Sandberg.  She has advised many women to preface their negotiations “explaining that they know that women often get paid less than men so they are going to negotiate rather than accept the original offer.”  In this way, the woman is not negotiating so much for herself as for her group.  She has essentially made an excuse for being assertive.  I suppose that’s fine now and then.  It works once, maybe twice in the same organization.  It’s still an aligning action that diminishes the woman’s worth as an employee — as an individual.  It signals that she won’t ask for something because she deserves it.  And if this boss can keep her worried about asking for things, she won’t.

There is much to be said for knowing your audience.  If the person with whom you’re negotiating pay or a raise seems to be the type that doesn’t respect assertive women, then using this approach may save some time.   Frankly, it makes me gag.  But, go ahead.  Once in a while for high stakes, why not go back to being a woman who must not ask for anything she deserves unless couched in the good it does for some part or the whole of society.  (Note to self:  You’re being sarcastic, Reardon.  Aren’t you?  Yes, a little.)  It is annoying that women STILL need to do this.

Sandberg then writes that women should use “we” rather than “I” when negotiating for themselves.  Actually too many “I” pronouns is bad for men and women.  Always count the number of “I” usages in e-mails and presentation practices.  Strike a balance.  But when women go around using the collective “we” too often, they risk being perceived as not having leadership potential.  That’s the long and short of it.  The prevailing wisdom created by such demureness: “She’s a nice person, but she can’t lead in this place.  They’ll crush her.  She doesn’t know how to fight her corner.”

It’s hard to talk about your accomplishments if you’re a woman.  But find a way within your company’s culture.  You have the job, now do it!  Demonstrate your ability.  Sure, be nice — especially to nice people.  But don’t be talking about “we” all the time when the guys are talking about “I.”  Learn when “I” matters.  If you can’t go that far yet, try something like,  “With the help of a lot of great people, I closed that deal.”

Why would anyone use the same strategy over and over?  It makes you predictable.  That’s the kiss of death in business.  You can be managed when you’re predictable.  It’s likely that Sandberg was not recommending a steady diet of “we” comments.  Yet, it must be said that simply because society imposes different expectations on women does not mean it’s necessary to always abide by them.  Being aware of them is critical.  Deviating from them is a necessity.  When you’re predictable people can manage you like a puppet.  They know what to expect.  You’ll be nice.  You’ll back down.  You’ll run from the “bitch”label.

When I say during a speech, “You’re looking at a bitch,” it always gets a laugh.  But, it’s partially true.  I’m very nice.  But not to everyone all of the time.  I’m a former debater.  If you want to go a few rounds, we’re going.  And it will be memorable!

Be nice.  But not always.  Choose your strategies for getting ahead.  Yes, most people prefer women to be communal and caring.  But if you work at a place where that is seen as weakness, you’d better get yourself a new gig or learn to speak the language.  While you’re at it, observe whether you’re talking too softly.  When you’re about to make an important point, consider saying “Now this is key” or “Listen to this.”  Add importance or urgency to your best suggestions.

Be nice.  Why not?  Just not all the time with all people.  Otherwise your chance at leadership is limited.

 

 

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Leadership Tutorial 1 (for women) — Getting Your Work Noticed

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Following from a tweet, some additional thoughts on getting your work noticed:

I’ve begun reading Lean In and it’s going well.  Author Sheryl Sandberg stuck her neck out when she clearly didn’t need to do so.  I know what that’s like having written the Harvard Business Review case, “The Memo Every Woman Keeps in Her Desk” that stirred considerable controversy in 1993 and a book on the heels of that, They Don’t Get It, Do They? about how both women and men don’t “get it” when it comes to working together with equal regard.  The book was a blueprint for sharing with women how their communication contributes to not getting ahead as well as how bias and unwanted repetitive conversational episodes (UPS) keep women in “their place.”

One of the things I like about Lean In is that it has gotten the discussion going again.  As Sandberg mentions, one that had largely stalled.  That doesn’t mean a whole lot of women haven’t been weighing in and writing about women’s issues, but in terms of the subject attracting press attention and getting a buzz going the front has been largely quiet.

And there have been enough young women not wanting to overtly connect themselves with women like me who are easily dismissed as having chips on our shoulders caused by feminist angst.  I’ve looked.  There’s none there.  But I get why some young women worry about connecting with feminist women twenty years or more older.  When I became a friend and co-professor with Betty Friedan, that was the subject of some conversation too.  But I wouldn’t have traded acquiring the wisdom she shared over muffins and coffee, teaching together and speaking together for all the feminist-rejecting kudos in the world.

Anyway, I’m delighted that the conversation is front-and-center again.  And I hope it will allow young women to talk about their careers with more senior ones and feel good about it.  In a part of They Don’t Get It, Do They (which I plan to put in e-book format),  I wrote about young women being in the “cute-and-little” stage at work.  That stage is rarely threatening.  People want to help you.  But cute-and-little people mature and if they aren’t prepared for the stages that come later, they’re in for a shock.  No one stays cute-and-little.  Eventually, you become a threat to someone because not everyone can be promoted.  It’s good to be ready.

So, I’ve decided to share my acquired wisdom in tutorial form, having written and taught about issues holding women back from leadership at work.  I worked and studied alongside Warren Bennis at the USC Leadership Institute where we taught leadership to promising graduate students in a variety of fields.

It’s important to know how to deal with obstacles that are self-imposed and those that aren’t, such as discrimination or simply having a boss who means well but  doesn’t see how he or she is part of the problem of low female advancement in the workplace.

So, here goes some advice in tutorials.  It’s generated by discussions around Lean In, revisiting my  own experiences, studies and writing as well as those of other writers and scholars.

Tutorial 1:  Are women not sufficiently asserting themselves at work?

As the data Sandberg cites indicate, many women are not doing so.  Holding back from leadership and taking other routes has been happening for a long time.  In response to the 1993 HBR memo case, author and entrepreneur expert Joline Godfrey wrote:  “Of a certain age and self-awareness, women who are weary of trying to adapt to environments in which they are not welcome are leaving to create companies that fit them.  The woman who feels strongly enough to write a memo (to the CEO) is in the process of breaking with an unfriendly culture.  Whether she sends it or not is unimportant– the process of alienation has begun.  And if she chooses not to spend another calorie of energy teaching lessons that companies have had over two decades to learn — and are in their own best interests — that’s her prerogative.”

So, the frustration was high even in 1993.  The thing is that the situation is not much better today.

What wisdom would I share on this?  It is not enough to be really good at what you do.  It’s critical but not sufficient to getting ahead.  If you are going to “lean in,” you need to do so with your eyes and ears open.  It’s important to know what matters where you work, how people who get ahead talk about their successes, what tasks to take on and how to make sure people notice your work.  It’s also important to know how to ask for what you deserve.

There is research dating some twenty years back about female boasting.  It was then and is now considered unappealing.  Men, in general, are more comfortable and often more competent at boasting than women — especially those who make it to the top of large organizations.  Women are socialized to avoid boasting.  I interviewed a female judge who told me that women lawyers win cases and head back to their offices to start the next one.  She observed that men were far more likely to tell others about their successes.  The women assumed the word would simply get out to others.  That’s usually a faulty assumption.

This does not mean you should go into work tomorrow and start telling everyone how great you are.  It does mean that if you haven’t been getting your deserved share of praise and promotions, you need to do some homework.  It’s time to begin watching how men let their accomplishments be known.  Get some advice on this from a trusted mentor.  Don’t think of it as “boasting,” but as celebrating with your colleagues a job well done.

Do people use e-mail at your workplace to share success stories?  Does it happen over lunch?  Do colleagues boast for others?  Let’s call this gift bragging.  It happens a lot in business.  Do you have someone who could occasionally give you such a gift and you one to him or her?  The very idea of people agreeing to say good things about each other may make you cringe.  But it may be how people get noticed where you work.

Find out how people gain respect.  Is it something women do well too?  Are you in a demure URP (unwanted repetitive episode)?  If so, it’s time to do things a little differently — to tweak your dysfunctional pattern.  Consider saying, “Something great happened today, and I want to share it with you.”  What’s wrong with that?  There’s a window of time not long after “something great” has happened when telling people about it is just fine.  Give it a try next time.

Make sure you choose your audience wisely.  Not everyone needs to learn of your accomplishments.  Who does?  And how can you be sure they do?  Which ones warrant attention as you don’t want to be telling anyone about everything you do well.

These are just a few thoughts.  More to come.  And there’s more in The Secret Handshake and It’s All Politics about this subject.

As I said, I’m just beginning to read what Sandberg has written.  The book provides a useful springboard for discussion about letting others know what you do well.  She isn’t advising everyone.  And neither am I.  But if you want some advice about becoming a leader, this blog is meant to help.  I hope it does.  And I’ll be back with tutorial 2 soon.

Kathleen

 

 

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When and How Women Should Say “No” to Go-Nowhere Projects at Work

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

I posted a blog today on Huffington Post in response to views Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, has expressed in advance of the release of her new book, Lean In.  In part of that blog, I wrote about how important it is to essentially lean out when the task you’re being offered is just busy work.

I recall very vividly, as you might imagine, being told by a boss that a project he was about to give me was very important.  He was giving it to me because I was one of the few people who could do it well.  I was skeptical.  When I arrived at my office, I found a post-it that my boss’ boss had left in the file.  It read, “Don’t give this to anyone important.”  I took the file and brought it to my boss.  I told him that he’d been mistaken.  This job wasn’t for me.  He looked surprised.  I opened the file and pointed to the note.  He turned pale.  I walked out of his office before he had a chance to make up some excuse.  He was more careful after that, and so was I.

There are a lot of “go-nowhere” tasks at work.  I’m concerned that when women take the advice to “lean in” to leadership, they’ll do what they’ve done too often for years — they’ll take on the tasks more politically observant people would refuse.  They’ll do it because they want to be team players, to be nice or because they think they haven’t “leaned-in” enough.   They’ll exhaust themselves because these tasks bring a lot of work and little visibility.

Women need to be more particular about the tasks that take up their time.  I’d be surprised if Sandberg disagrees with this.  Tasks should pass the VCR test I wrote about in The Secret Handshake  — visible, central and relevant.  Sure, you can do some “go-nowhere” tasks just to help out now and then.  But a steady diet of it does not a leader make.

So, while you’re leaning in, make sure it’s at a place where you belong — where your talents are needed and appreciated.  And when someone tries to give you a task that others don’t want, think twice.  Try saying, “I appreciate being asked, but can’t do it” or, one of my favorites, “No. Wish I could.”

Women who wear themselves to a frazzle doing everything they’re asked rarely get ahead.  It’s natural to become resentful when others who do less pass by you for promotions.  Success at work is largely a persuasion effort.  No matter how good you are at what you do, your talents have to be sold.  If you’re wasting them on “go-nowhere” tasks, there’s no time to strategize, to match what you do to what the department or company values.  So start being particular about what you do with your time.  You’ll have more left for doing what matters.

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The Pros and Cons of Gossip

Posted on March 2, 2013 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

Sharing here a Harvard Business Review blog by Amy Gallo on gossip.  It’s one of those facts of life.  There are some useful comebacks here, too, for when you don’t want to be manipulated into being part of someone else’s quarrel.

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Ten Things To Say Today

Posted on February 10, 2013 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

This article from INC is worth a read:  Ten Things Extraordinary People Say Every Day.  I’d only suggest using “That was awesome” sparingly or it will cease to have meaning.  Instead, be more specific.  For example, “That was the best X I’ve seen in a very long time” or “I was really impressed with the way you did X.”  Or perhaps, “Nicely done.”

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Can You Spare a Compliment?

Posted on January 10, 2013 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

I was listening to a segment the other day about high school students in Iowa sending compliments to fellow students via Twitter.  What a terrific concept!  After all, compliments cost us nothing but they are rarer than hens’ teeth in many people’s lives.  It’s very difficult for many of us to compliment others, especially if we look at the world like a fixed pie —  every piece given away is one lost.  This phrase comes from the study of negotiation.  When negotiators think that every gain for the other side is a loss for them, little is accomplished.  This may explain Congress.

Consider this, though.  If compliments are indeed rare, then they feel like small gifts — sometimes big ones — to the recipients.  Telling someone he did a good job or saying, “I wish I’d thought of that” can go a long way to make someone’s day.  When I hear from former students that they still think about what they learned in my classes or that they’ve kept my books or just thought of me today, I smile.  Just that small gesture can make a difficult day brighter.

And then there is the benefit of altering the culture of a group.  You may wonder why no one says anything at work or home about the good things you do.  Maybe the culture is one of not complimenting.  That will only change if someone — you perhaps — do otherwise.  Change has to start somewhere.

Why not try giving a few compliments tomorrow?  See how powerful they can be.  Don’t start with big ones.  Start small.  You may just make someone’s day!  Maybe even yours!

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When People Lie to You

Posted on December 8, 2012 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

How often do you watch ads where people are lying to each other?  Imagine how often our children see this.  And what of those politicians who talk a good game about leadership and integrity while lying?  Is that all just a part of politics at work, home and in government?  Are we supposed to just expect it?

If you’ve read my books on politics at work, The Secret Handshake and It’s All Politics, then you know a certain amount of this has been around for a long time.  And you can learn strategies to help you avoid being a target of lying and worse.  But let’s just look at what can be done if being lied to happens to you now and then.

As a culture we are developing a greater acceptance of lying.  And yet it’s still a harsh experience when you trust someone and they let you down.  Of course, it’s important to assess the situation — to be sure the person actually lied or deceived in some way.  If so, did they do so because they don’t know how to tell you they can’t deliver what was agreed upon?  Is the person embarrassed or hesitant to let you down, so he or she says nothing?  While these reasons don’t excuse the lack of integrity, they are informative.

If you’re an honest person by nature and effective at communicating honestly with people even when it might disappoint them, it’s difficult to understand people who lie.  Moreover, if you expect honesty from a person and he or she doesn’t deliver, it can feel awful.  You feel let down, even duped.

What do you do?  The answer is not easy.  If you can talk directly to the person, especially if he or she is young and might learn from the experience, probing without accusing is a good first start.  You might ask, “Can you tell me why you didn’t do what we discussed?” Or, “Am I missing something here?  It appears that you decided to not tell the truth.  Am I wrong?”

Inside you may feel hurt and/or angry.  But “giving people the opportunity to do the right thing” is one of the primary ways of dealing with conflict with people you care about.  Yelling makes people defensive.  Better to probe, to learn, to suggest a way they might make it up to you or just make things right.

What if the person won’t talk with you?  It’s difficult in this situation to avoid thinking that he or she purposely deceived you.  And not being able to discuss the problem makes it all the more painful.  If you tend to dwell on such feelings of betrayal and being dismissed, especially caused by the actions of someone you trusted,  here again you have what we’ve been calling “choice points.”

First, you might want to look at your tendency to trust.  Was it appropriate in this case?  Did you know the person well enough to take the risk?  Was too much depending on him or her delivering as promised or agreed?  If any or all of these pertain to the situation, then you could take it as a tough learning experience.  Learning is a very important part of life and some lessons are hard ones.  Next time you’ll be more careful.

If it was reasonable to have trusted this person because he seemed credible, then that’s harder. You may feel duped.  But then again, that’s a choice.  Unless you learn that the person did not lie and in fact just needed more time to do the right thing, then feeling duped only hurts you. This person may deceive on a regular basis and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  So, is that your fault?  It’s doubtful.  It’s only your fault if you trust him/her again without a good deal of proof that things have changed.

There’s much more to write on this topic.  We’ve developed a level of acceptance for such things. But we don’t have to do that.  We don’t always need to be around people who make things up as they go or say one thing and do another.  It uses up too much of our time and energy.

When we do need to be around them, going into any agreement with your eyes open is the best policy.  Not relying on such people for important things is wise.  Learning how to take from them the power to make you angry or feel hurt is especially important. After all, you now know what they’re like.  Maybe they’ll think twice if you’re not a rug to walk on.  Maybe next time they’ll do the right thing.  And if not, at least you won’t be surprised.

 

Posted in Bullying, Choice Points | 1 Comment

Revisiting Holiday Communication Advice

Posted on November 22, 2012 by Kathleen Kelley Reardon

I wrote this a few years back.  Thought it might be good advice to share again:

So you’re heading out to see the relatives? Or, are they coming to you? Stress is inevitable, even the stress of managing your stress. And that’s a threat to your health and theirs.

Studying communication provides insights into how we and our loved ones and friends interact. And a large percentage of what we say and do around each other is patterned — Unwanted Repetitive Episodes (URPSpronounced urps). These happen fast — before our reasoning has a chance to intercept.

None of us is an expert on getting through holidays without URPS, but there are some helpful, easy to apply solutions. Thought I’d share a few that my students have enjoyed hearing right before the holidays.

First: Know your URPS. Before you set foot into the home of a family/friend or they into yours, recall what usually happens and what precedes it. Be unbiased. Consider what you contribute. Each of us is at least 75 percent responsible for what other people say and do to us. In other words, if we could just identify what we say that sends interactions off in undesirable directions, we’d be a good way toward redirecting them. And that’s a powerful skill.

Second: Redirecting requires recognizing choice points. These are junctures in conversation where you can choose to do the unexpected. Let’s say Uncle Harry sets you off with his pompous know-it-all attitude to which you usually respond with an insult or rolling of your eyes. Harry fires back and family members join in to defend, leading to, well, just what everyone expected in the first place.

The world would be a better place if the more constructive among us knew about URPS and choice points. Without this knowledge, we can’t negotiate effectively. We’re victims of habit.

Take this simple example:

A son comes home from college from the holidays. He and his father decide to wash the car. This follows:

Father: You’re looking good.
Son: Thanks, Dad.
Father: But when are you going cut your hair?
Son: (sighs and smirks) We’re not going there again, are we?
Father: Don’t talk to me like that.
Son: It’s always the same.
Father: Because you don’t even have the respect to come here looking like a human being.
Son: If that’s the way it’s going to be, I’m out of here.
Father: Fine. That’s just fine.

There are choice points all over this URP. The son might have replied with, “I meant to do that before arriving” (if it’s true). Sorry about that,” “It’s not my best look. I know. You’re right.” or “When you get yours cut, I’ll go with you.” The father could have avoided the topic altogether, an early choice point, or replied to the son’s reply with, “I suppose you’re right. We do always go there. Must be a habit,” or “Listen, I don’t mean to bug you, even though I am bugging you. Let’s talk about something else. Or, “I suppose you are 21 now.” After all, is this hair discussion really worth ruining the holidays? Is any URP worth ruining the holidays?

Every utterance expands or limits the options of the other person — as in chess. That’s where the 75 percent responsible comes in. If we go too far from what our co-urpers expect, they distrust the response. But what if we just tweak? Someone makes an errant remark, and this time you don’t mindlessly respond verbally or nonverbally. You could try what we in communication call a one-across move. Instead of one-upping or one-downing by agreeing when you don’t, just say, “Hmmm,” “Hadn’t thought of it that way,” or look pensive. Buy yourself time to think. One-across moves are especially handy at the holidays but it wouldn’t hurt to try them at work either.

URPS are powerful things. People are vested in them. Some don’t even know how to relate to others unless they’re in an URP. In such cases, even if you tweak, the person may try to get back into the URP because that’s the only way he or she knows how to relate to you. So one tweak may not be enough. You may have to hang in there and do two or three unexpected or one-across responses. You might have to tell him or her about URPS and formulate a contract to get through this holiday without them.

Third: When URPS are too entrenched to change, there’s always taking a breather by disappearing to another room to play music, meditate, or read. Take a walk. These are nonverbal one-across moves. A good tweak might come to you. Maybe this holiday season will be an URPless one!

Happy Holidays!

Posted in Choice Points, Holiday Conflicts | Leave a comment